The Fool On The Hill

Shocking News from Tele 5 - one of the most popular TV channels in Spain - has managed to surprise the entire nation and finally produce what can be called an intelligent program. Obviously running short of ideas on which shouting celebrity to pit against which from the next 4 hours and who to hound with their irritating little mobile cameras they have finally done what they are supposed to be doing - producing TV programs.

Although still obviously fixated with their cameras, hidden or otherwise, the new daily program ( OK, its been going for a few weeks now ) is called Camera Cafe and contains clever, comical, cynical sketches all taking place in your everyday office. The camera in question is placed inside that focal point for all office gossip, the Cafe Machine and each sketch is played out in front of the machine. The cast contains the complete cross-section of the office world that one would expect to find. The nerd, the blond bimbo, the flashy man-about-town, the little guy with appalling ties, the hapless boss, the power-hungry female, the queer, the officious chauffeur, the IT boff, and many more including my favorite, the clueless hippy.

Being only a forty-minute program and containing only one ( sorry make that two) commercial breaks lasting a total 13 unlucky minutes, its possible to watch without lossing the plot halfway through which is the only challange usually provided by the channel. Of course, being a series, the same characters appear daily so we can all remember their names.

This may not sound very important, but with Spanish TV it is. In fact its possible to adequately determine your memory powers simply by watching TV. Try watching one of the many films shown daily. Once settled in with the beverage of your choice and having adjusted the cushions to your liking, the first thing you will notice is that while you thought the film has started, it really hasn't started at all. In fact they're going to piss you around for another 10 minutes and try to sell you more stuff.

The film will continue in this irritating vein for the next 3 hours ( you soon learn to understand the strange riddle of how can a 2 hour film last 3 hours ) all the while taxing your determination and staying power. Every exciting moment will be interrupted in mid-sentence by a commercial of someone trying to sell you a car ( or whatever) and this will be followed by another twelve or fifteen minutes if you are really unlucky, of similar mind-blowing opportunities of spending your cash.

Some people, I am sure, actually watch commercials. In other countries where they are more concise they can be indulged in and enjoyed. But in excess they are obviously taking the piss. Now so much a commercial break, more like the time to wash the car or read another chapter of that book your reading and there are times when you begin to question whether the adverts are the real program or the other stuff in between.

As a quick comparison with other countries, in England its possible to nip out to the kitchen, boil that kettle and make yourself a cup of proverbial tea while the ads are on. In Spain, one can make a coffee, including grinding your favorite beans, and while its brewing on the stove, wash yourself down in a cooling shower, dry yourself off and on your return cup in hand you will find the commercials are still running. That at least allows you to open the paper and remind yourself what exacting you were watching all that time ago.

It soon becomes pretty obvious of course that the main reason the existence of Tele 5 is not to provide you with a challange or anything that will serve to tax you too greatly. Its wall-paper TV and its aim is to make money. Its the top channel for ads. Figures recently released by TNS sofres show that in 2005 it showed a massive 266, 628 commercials lasting a mind-boggling 84,469 minutes - a full 58 days worth of commercials. Thats about a fifth of a year and sadly an increase over previous years.

The law allows a maximum of 12 minutes per hour but this is obviously calculated over a 24 hour period as I've never seen a daytime hour with only 12 minutes of ads. And this doesn't include the new idea of a sales pitch performed by the TV presenters as part of a program and by sponsorship ads at the beginning of program.

It's all a clear demostration of the regretable materialistic world we live in and one that is increasing impossible to avoid.

Two of the most important articles required for life in Spain are a pair of scissors and a small pot of glue.

Let me explain. Spain is a country of collectors, not only of stamps as my previous post can painfully detail but just about anything. While my mother-in-law has an impressive collection of silver spoons in a glass cabinet hanging on the wall, the man in the house opposite has the most mind-boggling array of metal pimenta tins of all colours, shapes and sizes placed on purpose-built shelves all around his house. I'm afraid my famous english phleg didn't allow me to ask what on earth his wife thought of the decor

Anyway, back to the glue. In order to increase volumes of sales ( why is money always involved ) the daily newspapers have got in on the addiction habit and every day 'give' away a vast collection of items. On Sunday, for example, ABC contained coupons for a childs bicycle, a series on the worlds' most famous musuems and a book collection covering the history of Spain. The previous day they were selling volume 30 of a CD set of classic music.

As if all this was not enough, also included with the paper on Sunday was a brand new 'cartilla', a vital part of everyone's life. This is a A4 sized folded pull-out promoting the virtures of their latest 'give-away' on the front cover while inside are neatly arrayed in lines several easy-to-follow numbered squares to which the reader is invited to cut out and stick the subsequent 10, 20 or 30 little coupons depending on theb length of the promotion.

Thats where the scissors and glue come in. Just like the cigarette cards that we used to collect back in the sixties showing drawings (!) of our favorite sporting heroes , we are now invited to cut out the daily coupons from the newspapers in order to collect our 'prize'. Such is progress, once upon a time it was the children now its the adults.




Sundays' new promotion is offering the '2006 Michelin Guide to Spain'. Not something I really want but the thought of cutting out and collecting the daily little coupons already has me in an excited state and I can't wait to get started.

A closer inspection of the abc.es web site shows an amazing display of items and collections - it lists all of the promotions currently running, 8 in all, although some have obviously passed their sell-by-date. So as well as reading your daily news you can also collect the following,

1) Book collection of the History of Spain in novel form - End Date 24 Sept
2) Michelin Guide to Spain - End Date 25 July
3) Phillips 32" TV - End Date 10 May ( Damn missed it)
4) Childs Bicycle - End date 23 May (didn't want it anyway)
5) PlatStation - End date 7 May ( Damn, missed that as well)
6) Childrens cinema set of DVD's - End Date 19 April (haven't got kids)
7) Classical CD Collection - End date 29 July ( must buy that new shelf)
8) Book Collection of the Worlds Musuems - End date 28 May

And ABC are not the only ones. elmundo lists no less that 11 promotions, while elpais comes a dismal third with only 6 current collections.

So don't just sit there, start a new life. Find a suitable item that you never wanted anyway, hunt out those long-lost scissors, buy that glue and start collecting.

Well, a brand new Blog - And like a new child in the family the first thought of the parents is - What to call it?

It was a question that I puzzled over for several weeks. I would see a strange place-name or read a line in a book that would give me an idea or I would have one of those rare flashes of inspiration that would satisfy me for the remaining part of the day but on the following morning I would turn the name over again in my mind and once again reject it as meaningless, stupid, unattractive or whatever.

Then, for no particular reason, my wife pointed out to me that the popular TV program (in Spain that is) - ´Un Loco en la Colina´ was named after a famous Beatles song. That's it, I thought, catchy but full of meaning, a sign of my distant misspent youth and a tongue-in-cheek knock at myself. The hill part was very true for there are enough hills around here to satisfy anyone who enjoys the odd climb and at first the inclusion of the word fool in the title didn't worry me.

But then, as you do, tuning it over in my head the following day I got a bit apprehensive about the business of addressing myself to the whole world, or at least that part on the internet, as a fool on a hill. Of course, I didn't have to tell anyone that it was me, most of the Blogs out there rely on a certain amount of anominity. And its true there have been occasions when people have called me a fool although, of course, secretly I have never agreed with them.

Well, now I do. At this precise moment I do feel a bit of a idiot. AFINSA, a company that operates using an investment in stamps and works of art to provide an income to its investors and in which I have subsequently invested large amounts of my hard earned wedges, ( well not that hard-earned, but you get the gist ) has been closed down with police tape over the big fancy doors and several of the directors have been carted off and placed under lock and key. Strange how those fancy doors and expensive paintings in the foyer had at the time reassured me about the worthiness of the company but at this moment serve only to remind me of my own stupidity.

So at the moment I am left feel nothing less that a complete dunce in believing in such a risky idea. I keep telling myself that I should have checked more, done this or done that, but I didn't. Don't put all your eggs in one basket a little voice kept telling me. All to no avail. Other people I knew well had done the same thing and I trusted their opinions. They couldn't be wrong, could they?

Well, it appears that they can. Although reports over the last few days seem encouraging and hopeful and bring out the optimist in me its completely unknown at the moment when and if I will ever see my money again.

Oh well, thats life. No use moaning about it. Pass me my walking shoes and that old jacket of mine and lets go climb that hill again.